Guilty Conscience
by m3la
Summary: When his weakness is exposed to the last person he needed it to, L must try with all he can to hide it while battling his own guilty conscience at the same time. One-shot


**Old-ish writing (before Here in Spirit; there's some similar writing between them since I didn't know if I was ever going to post this. This is actually the first DN thing I ever wrote), shameless fluff whoops. POV has no particular focus and ends up kinda messy.**

* * *

An immobile figure bathed in light standing there alone on the screen, limbs restrained, head held high. Alone only physically - for through the camera feeds and microphone chips embedded in the walls, he was being observed.

Observed through glassy, black mirrors seeing this scene reflected in them through the glow of the monitor that cast a sheet of illumination onto the face they belonged to. As L saw light, Light saw darkness - the blindfold wrapped around his head obscured his expression save for his mouth, which was set in a thin, hard line.

L wondered if those eyes would show fear at a time like this.

The sight of someone awaiting their execution was nothing new to him, but only this once did he feel nothing close to triumph - only a deepening pit of sickness twisting in his gut; lumps thicker than gloopy custard sticking in his throat that refused to swallow.

This was his victory over Kira.

Never again in his entire life would he find someone like Light. Never would he find an opponent who could both challenge and infuriate him like he had. Soon, all that brilliance of his would be nothing but dust, fragmented images and sounds accessible only in memory.

This was L's victory, and L was justice. Justice was cold, blind, and could not afford to be human. The part of him that was human, and painfully so, was screaming, terribly aware that the one person he needed like no other was about to be ripped away. With the other gone, L knew, he would be left not with fulfillment, but emptiness. With nothing but the shadows of honeyed words, of a mind that could genuinely match, even surpass his own. No more incensed looks from those sharp eyes, no more hidden, self-satisfied smirks telling L his bullshit had been effortlessly seen through clear as day - no more Light, no more Light, no more _light,_ just the unsatisfying dimness of boredom he'd always known.

But it was L's word that had put him here in the first place, his approval to send him to his deserved punishment, and there was no backing out now.

L's gaze steadied itself on the face displayed in front of him, yet miles away in reality; taking in every twitch, every subtle movement underneath that blindfold. Yagami Light was an excellent actor, and it seemed even when staring death in the face, the same would hold true. And it was pathetic, most of all, L knew - pathetic, _pathetic_ \- for the other to be so calm and poised, when he himself had, it seemed, lost the usual iron grip he held over his body's composure. He was shaking, shaking as if every nerve that made him up, from the tips of his fingers to the cavities behind his eyes, had been plunged into ice.

And all things considered, when they finally requested his affirmation to kill the man known once as Yagami Light and now only in the public consciousness as _Kira,_ his reply was as flat and careless as if he was asking Watari for another slice of strawberry gateau.

And why wouldn't it? For him, for L, this was just another Tuesday. The case was solved, the culprit was to be apprehended, the world was to move on, and _he_ was to move on, too, to the next one - lather, rinse, repeat, until ennui finally got him in the end.

 _"Yes."_

And for a moment, in that beat between response and action, he could almost fool himself into thinking he was really in such a situation, miles away from pain and judgement and _justice_ \- how _sickening_ that word tasted in his mouth now, and -

The rope was around his neck now, lifting up off the stand, and L hardly had the stomach to look his own enemy in the face, covered or not, as that doomed body fell - but he couldn't tear his eyes away even as the rattling of the trap shook round his skull, as he heard the sound of _justice_ in its crystalline form, saw as the one who'd claimed its incarnation for himself, blindness and all - saw as he faded away, bathed, bathed in light -

light -

 **Light -**

Was what L saw as he shook awake violently, nearly knocking his laptop off the bed.

Light. Light. _Light._ Lying there, asleep, and very, very alive. Very... _swirly...?_ It seemed everything was, all of a sudden - his vision was swirly like a round lolly, rainbow-striped and sugary _sweet -_

Just like the sudden forceful burning pushing up the back of his throat.

 _Don't you know that saying? You are what you eat, aren't you?_

 _And is anything sweeter? The sweetest of all, that name you declared yourself -_

 _Justice._

 _Justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice..._

L yanked the other end of the chain with him as he scrambled off the bed and tore towards the bathroom, no thoughts but that word, _justice_ , with its sickening, sticky taste repeating over and over. It wasn't until he was already inside, emptying the contents of his stomach and mind into the toilet that the fact there was a very confused someone at the other end of said chain who was yelling at him very loudly began to register.

"Ryuzaki, what the hell is wrong with you? Did you finally eat too much sugar or something?" Light demanded, wincing in pain as his arm slowly recovered from nearly being pulled out of its socket. Through a sleep-addled head, he watched both in horror and irritation as the black mop of hair over the bowl heaved and hacked viciously, pale fingers trembling as they gripped on tightly to the edges.

Light figured, with indignation, that this was probably that idiot's own fault for eating too much junk food: after all, it was always the middle of the night that he chose for his worst sugar binges. He recalled with disgust the memory of waking up many a time to find trails of sugary crumbs strewn across their bed, colourful wrappers and packets discarded haphazardly on the sheets.

After a while it seemed Ryuzaki had stopped at last, holding himself steady over the bowl still, panting and gasping. Light had grabbed hold of that unruly mop some time ago in order to keep it out of his face, and was about to let go - only for him to start up again, spluttering out the last bits of acid his stomach could procure. L seized again once or twice more, but with nothing more left, he stopped, gagging at the sickening taste that painted his mouth.

Wordlessly, he rose up with a jerky movement after Light's hands lifted, stumbling over to the sink to rinse out his mouth. Ryuzaki gaped under the tap like a drowning man gasping for air in reverse, swishing and spitting over and over. Despite standing as far away as the chain could permit him, Light couldn't avoid getting splashed by the wildly flying droplets and considered complaining, but it turned out he was groggy enough to simply stand there and simmer.

After a while of that, L turned off the cold tap, another guttural growl of disgust slipping past his lips, and put the hot water tap on instead, shoving his mouth under it with even greater force. Light blinked in disbelief, and attempted in vain to back away even further.

"Ryuzaki, what are you doing? By now, that should be enough, right...?" He started, raising an eyebrow. But it seemed Ryuzaki wasn't stopping any time soon - as the telltale whine of the tap sounded out, signifying the water was now boiling - and he began gulping it down frantically, steam clouding the nearby mirror.

 _"Ryuzaki!"_ Light yelled after the other let out a strangled gasp of pain at last, tugging their chain forcefully and sending L spinning over to his side in a rather ungraceful manner. He twisted off the tap, then turned around and glared intensely. L was awkwardly pressing at his scalded tongue in some attempt to massage it. Light threw a towel for him to dry his face with, which was quickly accepted with a casual 'thanks' as the former's glare bore into him with about as much effect as usual.

"The taste is definitely gone now," L said in his regular drone, pulling Light, who was still reeling from this entire incident, with him as he left the bathroom.

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any crazier." Light chided, before finally going over and reuniting tenderly with his coercively-abandoned side of the bed, lying down and sighing.

Even after that ordeal, he was still mired in drowsiness. But his attention was diverted from the very inviting pillow beside him to the other side of the bed, where Ryuzaki was hurriedly procuring all manner of sweets from his not-so-secret stash underneath the mattress and throwing them onto the covers. Light yanked the chain hard, eliciting a surprised choke, and causing the other to drop the packet or three of fizzy peaches he was in the middle of grabbing.

"Are you trying to make yourself sick again?!" Light snapped, but was promptly ignored by Ryuzaki, who frantically grabbed a bag of caramel popcorn and started shoving it in by the handful. "Stop!" He cried out, giving the chain another harsh pull, sending kernels flying everywhere. As Ryuzaki jerked round he caught the other's gaze and choked violently, eyes widening.

"Don't tell me you did this on purpose, Ryuzaki!"

Ryuzaki brought a hand to his mouth, coughing, chewing and finally swallowing. Just from looking at Light, he seemed to pale again, that hand now clamping down hard to suppress a sickened gag. Quickly, he averted his eyes, shutting them tightly. "Go back to sleep," was his choked reply.

Light growled. "Only for you to wake me up again so you can puke?"

It was easy to blame that sudden event on Ryuzaki's strange eating habits, but it was odd no matter how Light looked at it. He never seemed to overeat or show any ill effects from his diet - in fact, it was whenever he consumed anything that _wasn't_ sugary that he would act as if he was about to vomit. In that case, could he have come down with a stomach bug or some other sickness? But Light knew that would be impossible. Considering the man never left the building, he could only have caught something from one of the others on the task force, none of whom had anything recently to his knowledge.

"Go to sleep, Yagami-kun." Ryuzaki insisted again.

Light felt a chill creep up his spine at the sudden edge in those words; an edge he'd never heard before. Even when accusing him of being Kira, his voice never raised from its usual toneless drawl. Something was wrong, and it seemed that Light Yagami would quite literally be unable to sleep until he found out whatever it was.

"You say that like I'll be able to, after what you just dragged me through." Light forced his battered, sleep-deprived nerves to even out enough to lend his reply its standard cool tone. "Did you eat too much? Are you ill?" He knew he'd be able to detect a lie from L in a sorry state like this.

L, shivering, had drawn his knees up high and hunched over into a ball of sorts, face buried on top of them. Light stared, shocked at the sudden intense display of emotion. Thinking back on it, there had been only one other time he could recall when the normally-indifferent Ryuzaki had acted similarly to this - and that had been the only occasion on which he had seen the enigmatic man known as L sleep.

Light had woken as normal, instantly placing that something was very off, but unable for a few moments to determine exactly why.

It hit him - that there was nothing but pure silence to greet him that morning instead of the other's 24/7 clacking of laptop keys, munching of midnight-through-morning snacks, or both. He'd glanced at the opposite side of the bed to find a sight that scared the hell out of him at first - some strange corner of Light's mind had decided that L lying there dead was a more likely scenario than him genuinely having fallen asleep.

His fear was quickly averted as he noticed the gentle rise and fall of the other's chest, as well as the veritable lake of drool spilling from his gaping mouth. The limb-strewn position which he had somehow passed out in, arms and legs sprawled in every which way (including one shin having found a place on Light's shoulder), could be described only as _'QWOP'_. Just as soon as Light had gingerly removed the offending limb and sat up, L woke instantly, body coordinating itself with all the grace of a car crash. Despite having actually slept - though for an undetermined period - his eyes seemed darker and more bloodshot than ever. He'd frozen up for a while, curling into a shivering position not unlike the one Light was currently witnessing, but was called back into reality the second Light had asked him what was wrong.

This time, it was plain to see that something much worse had taken place.

Having received no response, he started again with "Ryuzaki - ", but his words were cut off.

"I need to eat something," L managed, a small semblance of control returning to his voice. _"Now."_ He slowly lifted his head back up from his knees. Taking in Light's disapproving look before his mouth even opened, he predicted the other's response and searched out another bag of sweets with his shaking hands. He predicted his _physical_ response too, grabbing the chain just as Light did to stop it from pulling his hand away.

"No you don't - if you eat anything else you'll just throw it up, so stop this already." Scowling in annoyance, Light started grabbing all the sweets L had procured earlier and stuffing them under his own pillow. Though met with bitter resistance, he held Ryuzaki off for long enough to get every last one under, maintaining a cool gaze as he stared down his silently fuming unwanted roommate.

"Light-kun is playing unfairly."

"Light-kun is absolutely tired of all this and wants nothing more than six solid hours of sleep at the fewest in any given night."

L tilted his head and raised his dark eyes to the ceiling absentmindedly, one long finger lodged against his lip. "Eating is about the last thing I want to do right now, but without sugar to stimulate my brain, I'll fall right back asleep."

So he _had_ been asleep. Light always thought he was just too obsessed with his work to let himself waste any valuable time resting, but maybe it was something more than that.

"You don't sleep well. That much I've figured."

"Flawless logic. Well done." L's eyes darted to the pillow that held his sugar stash captive, and narrowed when they saw Light's elbow was resting on it just for the off chance that he'd catch him off-guard while trying to make a grab for them.

Light caught this little glance and his glare hardened. "It's obvious I won't be getting any sleep until this issue of yours is solved," he pressed, running a hand through his messy hair and allowing his heavy eyelids to shut for just a moment. "So why don't you tell me what it is? I might know some possible way to hel-"

"Dream." L cut in, now unable to look Light in the face again. "I don't usually have them, when I do sleep. But I don't want to find out if it will come back."

There wasn't much else other than the truth, or something like it, that he could say to resolve this situation. L could feel the insistent tug of sleep he so hated dragging down his mind, threatening to pull his eyelids closed. Every time Light opened his mouth, that rattling shook through his skull on repeat; the image of those eyes covered by the blindfold, The faintest movement of the throat at the very end - swallowing in apprehension, of the acknowledgement of his fate at last, just before L gave his word to bring him to justice -

Justice - Justice - _no_ , not that word, not again, no -

L fell forward onto his knees as he choked back the stab of bile in his throat that threatened to send up the popcorn he'd got down earlier, hands clamped over his mouth tight enough to burn red in strain.

"Ryuzaki -" Light grabbed hold of his shoulders and gave him a shake. "Get a hold of yourself! Wait, are you -" L shook his head and slowly released his hands, gripping the sheets instead.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"Are you _going_ to be okay?"

"Yes," L stated simply.

He had to be. He had to push this aside if he wanted to continue the case. They both knew from the start that this would end only with one of them in their graves, with the other having sent them there. He couldn't have doubts - not now, not ever. Therefore, he _would_ get over this, or be unable to convict Kira. Personal feelings were irrelevant to an investigation, he had said to himself many, many times. It wasn't a question.

"...You're staring at me, Ryuzaki."

L blinked, realising what he had been doing while thinking to himself.

"You're still holding onto me, Light-kun." Now it was Light's turn to blink in realization, face tinging slightly red, and he quickly let go of L's shoulders, leaning back and putting some much-needed distance between them.

"That's... not important. What I'm concerned with is trying to help you right now," Light said, changing the subject, "or at least figure out a possible way around this problem -"

Meanwhile, L, more than slightly tuned out to the other's rambling, had found his eyes wandering behind him onto the carpet below, where he had spotted the edge of a single packet of fizzy peaches that had fallen onto the floor, nearly underneath the bed since when Light had yanked their chain to make him drop them. Speaking of Light, in fact, he now seemed to be staring at the wall to his side absentmindedly with his arms folded, perhaps deep in thought.

Seizing the opportunity, L began to _eeever_ -so-slowly shift his non-cuffed hand down the side of the bed, now fixing a perfect poker face on the wall at the other side of the room.  
But just as his hand had made it nearly to the bottom, fingers just barely brushing the edge of the plastic packet, he noticed Light's eyes had been on him for at least the past ten seconds, and panicked all at once. His hands scrambled, and the packet was smacked away further under the bed as he desperately tried to grab it, causing L in that unthinking moment to try and reach even further with no regards to his current balance on the edge of the mattress and -

Light cried out as he was pulled to the edge of the bed by the chain, grasping for a hold to prevent himself from tipping over as well, but -

The pair of them landed awkwardly at the bottom of the bed, sprawled across the carpet in a disjointed tangle of chains and limbs. In all the confusion of trying to get out of this situation, Light heard a rustle and instantly grabbed L's wrist before he could attempt to hide the fizzy sweets, pinning it down and glaring harshly at him. The other's expression remained blank as ever despite having been caught red-handed.

"You seriously thought you were going to get away with that?"

"I need to eat something, Light-kun." Ryuzaki repeated as he dislodged his right leg from the crook of Light's left elbow, fingers closing round the plastic wrapping tightly.

"You need to think about what you're doing."

The chain connecting their cuffs had found its way round the back of Light's neck in the confusion of when they fell on eachother; causing his head to strain underneath and forcing him to lean down closely - almost enough to feel the other's erratic breaths against his face.

But he couldn't make any move to shift that chain without removing his grip on L's wrist. The latter was quick to notice Light's irritated look on it and grabbed the chain harshly with his free hand. Light's head jerked, their foreheads smashed; he cried out and released his hold just long enough for L to pocket the fizzies, shove Light off him and reverse their positions, making sure to keep that chain held nice and tight round his neck with one hand.

L saw the other's throat quiver under the intersecting chains, received a scowl as the stars dancing in front of his eyes slowly dispersed. He caught Light's attempted punch just before it connected, but in turn betrayed the barest hint of a flinch, of a caught breath - L could see himself caught in the crosshairs of that gaze, _Kira's_ gaze, tinged almost red with fury - that delicious look he so loved to receive.

"Stop it," Light demanded, voice slightly choked, but no less confident. "I'm trying to _help_ , you know."

L tilted his head serenely, placing a thumb to his mouth, and gave the other pinned beneath him his most absent look - all the better to infuriate him further with. "Hmm. It's only a ten percent chance, but if Light-kun doesn't let me eat something soon, he might end up throttled until he passes out while I snatch my stolen sweets back." Empty threats weren't usually his style, but L would be lying if he said there wasn't a part of him right now, however small, that was genuinely desperately considering such a thing.

"And wouldn't that make a good story for show and tell tomorrow? Along with the marks. You're not thinking, Ryuzaki." Light's scowl became a victorious smirk - one that widened when he felt the other's shiver in response to it through their chain.

No, he wasn't thinking. L was already bogged down by sleepiness, compounded by the desperation to just get this _over_ with, but most of all, to make sure at all costs that Light didn't find out anything about the reason he was like this in the first place - he'd already let on that he had a weakness in the form of sleeping problems, and he definitely didn't need Kira to know that was only the tip of the iceberg in regards to this case.

"You're right," L replied. "It's a good thing I know exactly fifteen other methods of knocking a person out, the majority of which are clean." He was stalling and he knew it.

"You're treating this like some kind of joke," Light said, now attempting to shake his caught fist from the other's grip. "Maybe you haven't realised it, but there's something you're not considering here."

L let him, expecting and fully prepared for another punch - but was instead caught off-guard as he found himself grabbed by the front of his shirt and pulled down, letting out a sound of surprise that caught between them as Light forced their lips together. Wide eyes meeting half-lidded ones, in that moment nothing but Light's warmth registered to him; the possessiveness with which his mouth claimed L's own, Light's fingers seeking out, tugging at his hair, then wrapping around his wrists and pinning them to the -

L cursed himself too late for falling for a distraction like this, because Light had already effortlessly reversed their positions again, the chain now loose and sprawled on the floor to their side.

With that Light lifted up, only so slightly, just enough to break the kiss, keeping their foreheads resting together. "I care about you, Ryuzaki," he said simply.

As the buzzing sea of static cleared slowly from L's mind like the signal returning to a television, his body jerked in realization. "Light -" He started, but his train of thought was sent careening off the rails when the aforementioned's breath brushed his ear gently, his dizzying scent hanging thickly in the air. L's words trailed off into a shaky gasp, and he felt the hint of a smile from the other against him.

Somehow, he got it back on track. "L-Light-kun, I doubt this is an effective solution."

"Mm. I wasn't really proposing it as one."

"Then what are you doing?"

Light hesitated, swallowing a lump in his throat. "All I know is that if you're in pain somehow, and it's not caused by me for being an insufferable asshole, then I want to make it stop."

Considering that he _was_ the cause of L's pain right now, that would be practically impossible. Those wide, bright eyes that seemed too trusting, too unburdened for someone who could be Kira in this moment, seemed to shine with the truth.

"You're trying to hurt yourself right now, and I'm not going to let that happen." Light finished.

L found himself nibbling at his lip in place of his fingers, which were unavailable to him. "Just by doing this, you're hurting me more than _I_ possibly could."

After a pause, Light slowly released his hold and leaned back up, observing in silence. L backed away slightly once given the opportunity to sit up, head meeting the wall.

"You can still only think of me as Kira, can't you?" Light seethed, closing in the distance between them again, but Ryuzaki held him back at arm's length. Light's eyes widened for a moment, but then narrowed as he scowled. "Can't you forget about that for even a second, Ryuzaki? Saying it makes no difference to you, but I'm not..."

"Even if that's true for the Light-kun in front of me at this moment, I remember when it wasn't." L lowered his arm, but the other made no further move.

 _"Stop it."_

This time it was L who began to close the distance again, the clink of their chain ringing out when the two ends met as he moved in. When he spoke, he strained to keep his voice even.

"Maybe I wish I _didn't_ care about you." L echoed, hand finding its way to Light's cuff. His fingers began to dance over the smooth metal slowly, and he found that the action comforted him; reminded him that so long as it was there, their fates would be the same. As long as it was there, Light wasn't going anywhere just yet. It was the only thing that could give L any sense of relief at a time like this - but that relief shattered when Light broke the silence.

"Ryuzaki, what was your nightmare about?"

Seeing L's eyes widen in response to his question, Light had all the answer he needed to confirm his suspicions. "I see."

L's hand left his wrist, his mouth folding into a hard line. "No. You don't."

"It was something to do with me."

"Light-kun. I'm not going to try and eat anything, and it seems like I'm not tired anymore, so there's nothing to worry about. You can go back to sleep." L dismissed the shift in topic and got up, heading over to sit back down on the bed - but stopped moving when the other suddenly pressed against him from behind, arms wrapping round his skinny waist.

"I can at least tell a lie like that when I hear it," Light mumbled into L's shoulder, disoriented black hair tickling the bridge of his nose as his lips moved further up to brush ghostly pale skin.

L's hand sought out that cuffed wrist again, now folded over his stomach, and held it tightly. Maybe, he reasoned, he could delude himself for now into forgetting about that dream; forgetting about Light's neck snapping and instead focusing on his calm breathing. For now, until the pull of sleep inevitably dragged him in again. Once the morning came, he could pretend none of this ever happened.

"I guess we'll be seeing if this helps after all." L turned around, leveling his face with the other's, and returned the kiss he was given earlier.


End file.
